my baby girl is learning to fly.....

I remember the moment they put her in my arms for the first time, that feeling - an overwhelming WOOSH of emotion and love.  From that moment on I was hooked, hooked on making sure she learned everything she needed to know to go out into this world and be a caring, responsible, respectful adult. 

Now that that moment is here I want to stop time, reverse it, slow it down! I'm sure my mother felt the same way when her baby girls went off to college (being a twin we both left at the same time - double whammy). 

No one prepares mothers for this moment in time, in fact we are completely unprepared for ALL of those moments in time.  There is no handbook, no rules, no guidelines...just the experience of how our mothers raised us and our inner voice trying to direct us the right thing to do. 

My baby girl is going to experience things without me, learn things from others that I have no control over...have I done enough? have I taught her enough? has she learned the right things?  anyone can learn to ride a bike but to learn to deal with difficult situations and stand up for yourself ...was it enough?  was I enough?

There it is, right there, WAS I ENOUGH....WAS I ENOUGH?

Celiac Sucks

Lunch today:  my first foray into eating out with Celiac and it kind of sucked.  I know it will get easier as I get used to where I can & can't go and what I can & can't order.  It was my first time asking a million questions of the server, thankfully he was very nice and knew the answers without having to check and told me what my options were without making me feel stupid or ashamed.  (I did that to myself).

Mr. Bento Burgers - they serve teriyaki marinated burgers on a bed of rice - sound delicious right?.  I ended up ordering an avocado salad and side of rice.  Not the savory dish I wanted, but it was okay.

It was not as embarrassing as I thought it would be to ask, but it sure was disappointing to watch my friend A eat the yummy burger/rice meal and know I couldn't.  But there was that moment of pride and "I can do this" as well, this is my new norm whether I want it to be or not.

Then there is my one friend R who when I told her hugged me and said "when we go out for mom's night I'll support you by ordering what you order"....seriously I cried right then and there!  Now that's support! 

I am Celiac

I have Celiac Disease.
I am Celiac.
I am mad.
I am sad.
I am fucking mad.
I am soulfully sad.
I am irritated.
I am scared.

I am thankful.
I am supported.
I am loved.
I have an answer.

Monday I was in shock.
Tuesday I was sad.
Today I am hopeful.

So begins a new journey in my life.

The only treatment for Celiac disease is lifelong adherence to a strict gluten-free diet.  My life has been forever changed.
The thankfulness I feel comes in that there are many more Gluten-Free food options now than in the past.  As well I now have a reason behind the constant fatigue, joint pain and mind fogginess that has plagued me over the last couple of years. 

In my researching Celiac I have found that 1 in 100 people have the disease.  That's a lot of people!  Knowing I am not as alone as I feel is a blessing.

My GI doctor explained the difference between having Celiac (allergy) and being Gluten Intolerant....
Celiac - you cannot eat gluten AT ALL without an allergic reaction with ill affects
Intolerant - you can have a little bit and it won't cause ill affects

Many people have hopped on the Gluten Free bandwagon with amazing results, I just want to point out that for me this was NOT a choice.  So if I run into you and you casually say you're Gluten Free by choice and I seem irritated, bear with me - I'm new to this game and am still running on some bitterness.


Gluten is a general name for the proteins found in wheat (durum, emmer, spelt, farina, farro, KAMUT® khorasan wheat and einkorn), rye, barley and triticale. Gluten helps foods maintain their shape, acting as a glue that holds food together. https://celiac.org/live-gluten-free/glutenfreediet/what-is-gluten/


Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder that can occur in genetically predisposed people where the ingestion of gluten leads to damage in the small intestine.  https://celiac.org/celiac-disease/what-is-celiac-disease/

New Year - New Intention

I absolutely refuse to call it a "resolution", that word has such a negative connotation to it.  If you don't complete it you've failed, if you marginally complete it you've failed, so unless you actually complete it/reach it you have failed!  An intention is flexible, it's alive, it can more easily morph as the year goes along.

My New Year Intention is to increase my Curvy Yoga practice.  I started last July 1 with a private class (with 3 friends) every Wednesday and I absolutely love it.  Our class has grown to 4-8 people on a given Wednesday and even added a Sunday class for awhile. 

I bought the Curvy Yoga DVD's but have yet to crack them open.  What am I afraid of?  I admit it is difficult to find a quiet place with a dvd player to do my practice, but I really need to make it a priority.  I feel more content, more peaceful, more loving and forgiving of myself when I practice and I can only see those feelings growing the more I practice.

Some people tout yoga and brag at how great they are at it - to me those people are not true "Yogi's" they are only doing it to prove to others how good they are. 

Our instructor, Heather, is amazing.  It's all about modifying yoga poses to fit your body type - the boobs and the belly - getting them out of the way to accomplish a pose.  It's all about what body you bring to the mat each time, and believe me each time it's a different one (amazingly)! 

I am stronger and more patient......because I practice yoga!

Reality Television - friend or foe?

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last week, I'm sure you've heard of the child molestation story regarding Josh Duggar - one of the "19 kids and counting" star.

This family publicly touts family morals, christian values and has lobbied for businesses to be allowed to discriminate against patrons based on sexual orientation.  Basically they would have us go back in time and progress.


***statement from Josh Duggar***

"Twelve years ago, as a young teenager I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends," Josh Duggar said in a post on Facebook.

"I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling."

***statement from the parents***

Josh Duggar's parents, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, who are named in the police report, also spoke out Thursday.

"Back 12 years ago our family went through one of the most difficult times of our lives. When Josh was a young teenager, he made some very bad mistakes and we were shocked. We had tried to teach him right from wrong," they said on Facebook.

I'm sorry, did you say Josh made some very bad "mistakes"....that's what you call forcibly fondling several minor females, including his own sisters?  some are calling it nothing more than curiosity but I call BS on that!  A mistake is sending a text to your mom instead of your boyfriend, or grabbing your child's lunch instead of your own as you run out the door in the morning.  Forcibly fondling more than one child on more than one occasion is not a mistake it's horrific!

I have never really watched the show and when I did see an episode I thought "I wonder what skeletons they have in their closet".....now we know.

taken from: http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/21/us/josh-duggar-child-molestation-allegations/

the sad state of affairs in our world

A couple, in a faithful, loving relationship for 50 years - sounds like something to aspire to.  Sadly they had to spend the last 15 years as father & adopted son just so they would have similar rights as a married couple (visitation in medical emergencies). 

When I first saw the title of this new article "father and son dissolve adoption to get married" I was horrified - WHAT?  But along the lines of things are never what they seem, this wasn't either.

I know many man/woman marriages that have ended in divorce, some rather bitter and hateful.  I know many same sex relationships that are healthy, loving and long lasting.  Who are we to tell someone who they can/should fall in love with?  You don't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens! 

Wise up America and realize that there are more important issues to argue about (the state of our failing education system, children who's only meal in a day is the school lunch, homelessness, gang and police violence).

http://www.aol.com/article/2015/05/29/father-and-son-dissolve-adoption-in-order-to-get-married/21188714/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl6|sec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D204006261

Worry

Stop worrying and concerning yourself about what others are doing and start focusing on what YOU are doing. If more people did this I am convinced our world would be one of peace, respect and caring instead of hate and judgement. 

Decision Time

It's been month's since my last post - and most of my posting's have been tame and boring.  Maybe I'm just cranky, maybe I just don't care, but that stops NOW.  Let's be honest - most of us avoid confrontation, most of us avoid speaking our minds for fear of being seen as rude or bitchy.  That too stops NOW.

Here goes............................

The state of our education system is appalling!  Every parent, teacher, student, grandparent, human being should be horrified of what we are teaching our kids (or more importantly what we are NOT teaching them).  This is the future of our country, where we go from here, how prosperous we are, how technologically advanced we are, how safe we are will be in the hands of our children before we know it.

We (parents & schools) are not teaching our children

• respect
• common courtesy
• giving
• caring
• honesty

We (parents & schools) are teaching our children

• don't worry if you fail, you get a re-do
• you have no money? no problem - just borrow it, then claim bankruptcy and you'll never have to pay it back
• if you want something someone else has, just take it 
• don't give money to panhandlers - they could get a job if they really wanted to

I have two children in the public education system - one is a Junior in High School and one is an 8th grader in middle school. 

Until the schools STOP teaching to the test and start educating our youth - and until the government STARTS investing in our future it all looks very very bleak from where I am standing. 

  A long time ago I learned that when you discuss a problem you should have some idea for a solution.  My idea (call it revolutionary)

1. GET RID OF ALL STANDARDIZED TESTS (I know, just bare with me)
2. GET RID OF ALL BAD TEACHERS (you know who you are)
3. Classes are taught & graded on homework, tests and classwork - if you fail the class you have to retake it.
4. After elementary school - the model should be
1. if you pass the class you move on, if not you retake it
2. you need X number of credits to graduate from high school
3. once you reach X number of credits you graduate (PARTY)

 Make Middle and High School resemble college - no more retaking test if you fail them, no more getting 50% credit on homework even if you didn't turn it in! 

Now I have no illusions that this "plan" would in any form ever be implemented, there are too many people with the mindset "we've always done it this way" - which proves that educators are out of touch with the business that their students will soon be entering.

Think Out Loud Tuesday.....

'as you are.' says the universe.

'after...' you answer.

'as you are.' says the universe.

'before...' you answer.

'as you are.' says the universe.

'when...' you answer.

'as you are.' says the universe.

'how...' you answer.

'as you are.' says the universe.

'why...' you answer.

'because

you are happening now.

right now.

right at this moment

and

your happening

is beautiful.

the thing that both keeps me

alive

and

brings me to my knees.

you don't even know how

breathtaking you

are.

as you are.' says the universe

through tears.

--as you are | you are the prayer

~Nayyirah Waheed

Challenges...yes or no?

One of my friends recently challenged herself to 28 days without repeating an outfit.  Her goal was to clean out her 3 closets.  While I applaud her and want to be like her, I'm just not sure I have that much desire to.  Yes I'd like to simplify my wardrobe (though it's pretty small compared to others I've seen), I'd like to lessen my possessions, unclutter, declutter, downsize - call it what you will.  The big question is what's stopping me?


Today I saw a news report about someone who didn't buy anything new for an entire year (with the exception of toiletries and medicines).  An ENTIRE YEAR?  that's just plum crazy!  I guess I could probably do that for 6 months, but 12?  I'm not so sure.

I get the premise - to challenge yourself outside of your comfort box. 

American's are the Queens & Kings of over consumption...I get it!  But I love my Ugg boots that keep my toes toasty in the winter and my Dooney & Bourke handbags that last for years (literally I've had one for 7-8 years now and it still looks great)!  Maybe the lesson here is to have a few quality items or a lot of poor quality items - they last longer and in the long run end up costing less because you are able to use them for a longer period of time.

Do I need to challenge myself to something?  If that's what I'm going to do then I want to make it something positive like.....how about when someone asks me "how are you today" I'll answer "I can't complain".....to remind myself that things could ALWAYS be worse and really what do I have to complain about? 

But that seems rather lame compared to "28 days of no repeating outfits" or not buying anything new for a year.  I'm still stuck on how that works.

What do you think?  Challenge or not? 

the power of words

Imagine a world where the words you speak appear on your skin. 

Would you be more careful of what you say? 

Artist Ronit Bigal.

 The written word provides some sense of anonymity.  I personally find it easier to express my thoughts and feelings in written form than verbally.  When I try to speak, my brain moves faster than my mouth and it all comes out wrong.  I can practice, I can recite, I can use note cards but still it's not as eloquent or professional as when I write.

Words can build someone up or tear someone down.

Words can inspire or deflate.

Words can hurt.

Words can heal.

But you can never take them back, 

there is no delete button, 

no recall email button, no cancel text button.

WORDS ARE POWERFUL

I CHOOSE TO USE THEIR POWER FOR GOOD

we all have that ONE friend.....

I had a work meeting today with someone who is helping my company with our volunteer activity this fall.  I spent over an hour with her and left the meeting feeling refreshed, supported, listened to and genuinely cared about.


I decided this is someone I want to hang out with more often and introduce T (husband) and A & M (children) to.  Someone they can gain positive experiences from knowing!

We were talking about advice (my daughter is 16 and her's is 9) for the mom of a girl, you know - sex, dating....all of it.  She shared advice her mother gave her and it literally moved me to tears.  I hope I get this right:

Everything in life is a phase and every phase will pass.  

If you're in a difficult or sad phase, hang in there because it will pass.  

If you are in a happy, fun phase, enjoy it because it will pass.

How profound an moving, this woman who I don't know and will never have the opportunity to meet (she is no longer with us) touched my heart today.  

Thank you 'big fella for spending time with me an opening your life to me.

Special Day

Yesterday my DD *dear daughter* turned 16....what a special day for her and I wanted to do everything I could to make it extra special.  For the last 8 years we haven't had her home on her birthday, she attended a camp every summer the same week.  Now she's a full blown counselor at that camp and turned 16 the day we picked her up.  The specialness started by bringing 40 cupcakes for the camp counselors & staff to enjoy for her birthday. When we pulled in the driveway from camp she was greeted with a Happy Birthday sign above the garage door. Of course she ran upstairs to "check" on her room - she missed it I guess and opened the door to approximately 275 balloons.......


By far my favorite was the "rock jar"...I asked family and friends to send me a small rock with words of wisdom, advice, memories on it and to sign their name on the back.  Her colorguard coaches, friends, aunts, grandma/grandpa (and even her co-counselors at camp and some of the campers) all sent rocks....she cried as she read them.  Here are photos of the jar and some of the rocks.....

ponder this.....

Doing the "right" thing......

If you could be a "fly on the wall" at your memorial service, what would you hope to hear people say about you, your life, your death?

She was such a loving mother (well were you?)
She gave so much of herself to others she didn't take good enough care of herself (well did you?)
I wish I would've told her more often how much I loved her (why didn't you?)

This brings up another question.....What do you say at a memorial service? 

Sorry for your loss
She was taken from us too soon

It's a tough thing, wanting to say the right thing but not having any idea what that "right thing" is.  Sometimes saying nothing at all is the right thing to say.  Just being there, physically & emotionally. A hug, a smile, a tear or just a shoulder.

The only wrong thing to do is nothing. 
My favorite reason for doing nothing is:  "they don't do funerals"...WHAT THE HELL does that mean?  no one wants to "do" a funeral.  Grow up, man up, get a pair! 

Sometimes doing what is right is the hardest thing to do, but that's what makes it the most important thing to do!

only when you are quiet can you truly hear

Have you ever just stopped in the middle of a task and listened?  I mean REALLY listened?  Try it....what did you hear? 

The longer you listen the more you will hear.  Try doing it at different places with different people, and encourage them to stop and really listen. 

I think everyone should adopt this new version of "stop and smell the roses".  Listen to your children tell you the story of their day, listen to your best friend's advice, listen to your loved ones hug you (yes there is a sound there).  Most importantly listen to your heart, your breathing....listen to your soul, what does it say?

Advice....

Do you ever wonder if the advice you give is good?  Is it helpful or hurtful?  Who am I to be giving advice anyway?


I have an old friend (not old age wise but old in the fact that I've known her for a very very long time - since early grade school in fact).  We were college roommates for a short time, she married someone right out of college and settled down.  At the time I was extremely jealous of her family and her love.  At this point we lost touch.  Meanwhile I went through a few serious relationships that ended in heart break.  As well, I went through many lonely, sad times, however through those times I developed a sense of security and confidence. I learned how to be alone with myself, it wasn't easy, but looking back it was necessary.  I will never again have fear of being alone, either physically and emotionally.

The reason I tell you all this is because this old friend is seeking my advice and I wonder if I am being helpful or hurtful. 

We joke that she is going through now (post divorce) what I went through in college.  The dating scene, the questioning mens motives, their intentions.  I've come to realize that while I (hopefully) am helping her through her rough times and I am also reliving them through her.  I feel the pain she feels, the uncertainty, and the doubt and I think it makes me a better friend and wife.  I love her dearly and I have complete confidence that she will navigate this new path with dignity and compassion, with or without my advice.  I feel extremely  honored that she asks my advice, I truly do and I want to thank her (yes YOU) for being my friend and helping me be the best person I can be!

** approved for publication by "an old friend"

"After a While"

I found this poem on Pinterest (yes I am totally addicted).  It seemed to speak directly to me.  I have always been a strong believer in making your own security, that everyone needs to be able to be alone with themselves and find peace before they can find it in the company of others.  I thought I would share it, I hope you enjoy.

Missing the "precious"

Precious is defined as:  (of an object, substance, or resource) of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly.
 
Most of the time I think we become so wrapped up in the hurry hurry that we miss seeing the precious.  

Sunday morning I was driving the puppy to the groomer, it was a cool morning with dew covering the ground.  As I was smiling at the sunshine sparking the dew like little diamonds I happened to notice a momma duck leading her many ducklings across the dew covered grass, leaving a little trail behind.  It was very sweet and precious, not something you see every day.  I was thankful that I had been going slow enough to see them, had I not been running late I would've stopped and taken a photo.  Looking back I wish I had stopped.  I know that my groomer, Rachael would've understood and I am positive she would have appreciated the photo.

The perfect example of a precious opportunity lost.

Don't miss your opportunity!  Slow down, you might be late for something but is that worth missing the precious?

Flashback Friday.....What do I really want for Mother's Day?

Flashback to a time when there were no cell phones, smart phones, tablets, desktop or laptop computers.....it's 1987 (the year I graduated from high school). 

If we wanted to contact someone we called them on the phone, on what is now called a "land line".
If we wanted cash we went through the bank teller drive through (what is an ATM).
If we wanted to plan a sleep over we did so over a few days time; calling on the phone, talking at school, checking with parents.
If we wanted money we did odd jobs around the house.
When our parents asked us to dust, sweep or unload the dishwasher we did so (I'm sure I grumbled but I can't imagine it was anything close to the gruff my teenagers give me, you'd think they are 4 and about to throw a temper tantrum).
We didn't watch television for hours on end.
We were outside playing, or reading a book.
We had a bedtime and no televisions, computers, tablets, cell phones anywhere near our bedrooms.
We had a separate phone "land line" for my sister and I (because my parents were tired of us tying up their phone for hours on end).  I remember many times mid-conversation it was unplugged, that meant it was 9pm and no more phone.  It's called a curfew.
We went camping on weekends, played board games together, had sleepovers, went shopping at the mall and saw many a movie.

I miss these times and the simplicity they brought. In fact when raising my kids I loved it when they came to me and said "I'm bored"....my response was always "find something to do"....be creative!

Don't get me wrong, I too have embraced the technology world.  For my job my iPhone connects me 24/7 to my work calendar, email, etc.  I Tweet, FaceBook, Tumbler, Instagram and text.  I take my laptop on family vacations (thankfully iPhone SPRINT service in Hawaii stinks so I was untethered for awhile).

As an experiment one evening I left my phone downstairs to charge (rather then by my bedside).  It was actually rather liberating.  Email wasn't the last thing I checked before bed, nor was it the first thing I checked in the morning.  The "ping" of a new Facebook message didn't wake me and random text messages didn't keep me up late.

I think what I want most for Mother's Day is a technology free day (well maybe not TV, there might be an awesome end of the world movie on).

Do you think it will happen?  I'll let you know!