Sleep WHAT???

My lovely doctor (don't get me wrong I LOVE her) has been pestering me for weeks to get a sleep study done, thinking my snoring could be sleep apnea.  Finally at the urging of my son who said, "mommy if you get the study done maybe they can fix your snoring so you don't wake me up at night" (he sleeps across the house from me).  OKAY OKAY OKAY I get it!

I signed up for the overnight study, with the reassurance from a few people (you KNOW who you are) I know who have taken it that it's not that bad.  I have one word for those "no longer friends" - LIARS!

I arrived at the sleep clinic at 7:30pm and was escorted to my private room - which is a miniature hotel room without the potty (only a sink/mirror, nightstand & bed).   "Each room is quiet, sound-attenuated" - if attenuated means you hear everything then yes their web site is correct  The technician is very nice and you have DISH television to watch, water, tea, etc.  Once you're ready for bed (in your jammies) they come in and "hook you up".  This whole process takes an hour - no joke!

• There is a sensor on each calf (the wires go down your pant legs).
• There is a sensor on each side of your chest.
• There is a strap on your tummy and one on your chest to "guide all the wires".
• There are about 5-6 sensors on your scalp (yes your scalp, and the icky gooey wax they use to attach them is uber difficult to remove).  My hair looked like a rats nest in the morning!
• There are sensors on every muscle in your face - no I am NOT exaggerating.
• There is a sensor in each nostril and one that goes in front of your mouth to gauge your breathing.
• Then last but not least there is an oxygen sensor on your finger.

 All of these wires are then gathered into a "ponytail" and run behind your head and plugged in.  I so wish I'd taken a photo - I'm sure I looked like someone from a mental institution about to undergo electro shock therapy. 

Then the technician (or the stalker as I've begun to think of him) tells me to lay still, he's going to run diagnostics on the leads and turn on the camera - yes the camera, as if I weren't freaked out enough, now I know they are watching me (this confirms the stalker-ishness of my technician don't you think).  There is a microphone in the room so they hear every cough, sneeze, moan & fart - yes everything we ALL do when we sleep but don't admit in public.   

The stalker then tells me do several movements to establish a baseline.  Roll your eyes, move your toes, fake snore, breathe thru your nose.....then you are free to go to sleep.  oh SURE!

Like it's THAT easy.  You see I LOVE my bed, my house, my puppy curled up next to me.  I do not sleep well in strange places. 

I'm are expected while being hooked up to more leads than a car battery and being video taped and audio taped in a strange bed without my hubby or puppy to go to sleep.  I am convinced that whomever came up with this idea never actually tried it themselves. 

After tossing and turning for what seemed like an eternity, normally I would've gotten up & gotten a drink of water but I didn't want to "speak and be heard" by the voice of God watching over me so I just suffered in silence.  The stalker came in at 1:00am to fix a lead that had come loose, when I asked he said I'd gotten a good hour of sleep.  Obviously his definition of "good" and mine are on two opposite ends of the good/bad spectrum!

After the longest night of my life - truly - the stalker returned at 6am to wake me up.  All I wanted to do was get the leads OFF OF ME and run out the door screaming all the way home (after stopping first to go potty).  But alas, after getting dressed and trying to get the goo off my face and out of my hair I thought I should brush my teeth.  HINT:  do NOT forget your toothbrush for a sleep study...thankfully a washcloth worked just fine.  After about an hour the doctor came in, after reviewing the study results and we talked......

The story does not end here - I have to return to the sleep study hovel and spend another night so they can find the right treatment (machine) and the correct settings. 

I'm sure you're asking yourself WHY IN THE WORLD would I subject myself to another night of torture (I know I am).  The answer is simple.  I am tired of being tired.  I wake up tired, I'm tired all day, I cannot remember the last time I truly felt refreshed upon waking up.

So - in 4 nights I will begin my quest for sound sleep and return to the den of sleeplessness for one more night of impossible sleep.....hopefully my knight in shining armor on his gallant white steed will find me and whisk me away to his castle in the sky...................oh wait that's a totally different story.